Ramblings About Baggage
Today, I felt called to write a bit about baggage. Everyone has experienced some trauma in their lives that has left them with baggage that they carry around until they learn to release it. It may come in many forms, such as childhood bullying, the death of a family member, terminal illness, betrayal, poverty, etc..
When I was 3 years old, my mother left my abusive father and moved my siblings and I from Texas to Minnesota. We lived with her father and stepmother for several months, rather unhappily, before bouncing around east central Minnesota for the next seventeen years. The first time that I remember being homeless was when I was eight years old. We lived in a beautiful neighborhood on a dirt road that ran parallel to the Snake River in a dense forest.
It was in the fall, a few months into my third grade school year. My brother and I met my mother in the parking lot of our elementary school after class had let out. My mother had already picked up my sister from her school down the road, and we were all sitting in a used silver Chevrolet Venture van.
I do not remember what my mother said verbatim, but she informed us that her boyfriend (who’s house we lived in) was abusive and that we were no longer living with him. She drove us to a homeless shelter in a neighboring town with a vehicle full of the belongings that she was able to quickly gather in time to pick us up from school.
The homeless shelter was not home. I was never comfortable there. This particular program operated by partnering with churches in a large geographical area, who would allow the clients to set up cots in their rooms for a week before packing up to move to the next one. As an eight-year-old, this was highly disruptive and I was quite unhappy. Looking back on the experience as an adult, I am thankful to have had a bed under a roof to sleep in. I am thankful to have had one hot meal per day, five days a week. I am thankful for the kind smiles from strangers as they helped us to make it to the next day.
I have reminded myself often to forgive my parents as best as I can. Not all of our life circumstances were their fault. Of course they could have made different choices, but that is no guarantee that things would have been better. We experienced the things that we needed to in order to grow. Whether or not we chose to mature was up to us, but the cards in our deck were shuffled by the universe. That’s what physical manifestation is all about: experience and transformation.
I realize that it isn’t really groundbreaking to be upset with one’s parents. Maybe that’s why I believe that I may help others by sharing my experiences, thoughts, and feelings based on these universal themes. Part of what upset me so much about my parents was that they continued to make the same choices no matter how painfully obvious it was that they were damaging.
My mother only knew abuse, so she continued to attract abusive men. Even though it hurt her, she had a sad sense of comfort living in what was familiar. She has grown and our relationship is much better due to time-passed and healing work. I do not wish to drag my mom; I just think that it is valuable to look back and see the wisdom that these painful experiences offer. Do you cling to old wounds and harsh words? Is it because it is serving you to do so or because your current identity is constructed on these victimizing events?
I am finally free of my victim mentality that my ego constructed as a result of my parents’ poor choices. That doesn’t mean that my assessment of the many situations or my feelings about them are not valid, or that I will suddenly forget and pretend like they didn’t happen. It just means that I recognize that there is not anything that I can do to change the past and the only thing that I can control is myself. I recognize the situations that my parents were in and the immense baggage that they carried around with them (I am convinced that my father struggled with some serious mental illness) and I forgive them and send them love and healing energy.
When you hold onto hurts, anguish, unfair situations, you are keeping that situation alive. You are holding onto a vibration that is not you and does not serve you until you learn what you can and finally let go. Letting go heals the heart and allows everyone to move on and live joyfully.
My poor mother endured thirteen years of my anger. I think that if she has to hear about what a cruel and neglectful mother she was one more time, then she may not associate with me anymore. My father got off easy; he passed away ten years ago and we didn’t speak very much anyway. I still gave him earfuls and I know he heard me!
Please don’t do this to your family. Your feelings are valid. Your perspective is valid. If your parents abused you, then they abused you and your anger is justified. Take it from me, it does not serve you to give them hell every time that you speak to them. It just shows them (and everyone else who has to hear about it) that you are still stuck in your self-made victim mentality. It is understandable and your abuse is not your fault, but what you do with it is.
My mother only gave me meaningful apologies once I stopped trying to get them from her and showed her some empathy and forgiveness. I showed her my pain too, but in a constructive way. I also did not intend to show her that I was still so hurt by our experiences together, but we were having such a nice time together and it just came out naturally. This shows just how important it is to trust the universe and go with the flow. The universe will right all wrongs and give you what you need when you have some humility and stop trying to control everything around you. We do this out of fear, lack, and trauma, but that’s where the lessons are. Trust, forgive, and let go, then watch the miracles unfold.
I certainly hope that nobody is offended by this. If you found it provoking, then I hope that it was constructive and thoughtful! Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. My writings are Spirit-led and always seem to go in a different direction than I thought they would! As always, I offer this to the collective for the highest good of all.
Love and blessings, my Spirit friends,
Beau
